Something sad has happened, or you feel something heavy, and the tears do not come. You may wonder whether something is wrong with you. These six tools are for those times. They do not promise tears, and they do not ask you to force anything. You may not need to cry to be affected, and you may not feel any particular way.
1. Drop the goal of crying
Crying is one way of responding, and it is not the only one. How someone cries is personal, and it can differ from one situation to the next. You can let go of “I should be crying” and see what is here instead.
2. Notice what is here
Take a minute to notice how you are, and say it in plain words: “I feel flat,” “I feel tight,” “I do not feel much.” You might use tracking to look at your body, if that is comfortable. There is nothing you should find. If it is uncomfortable, look at something in the room instead.
3. Give yourself quiet and company
You might sit somewhere comfortable, with a blanket or a warm drink, and let yourself be for a while. Or you might ask a friend to be nearby. You do not have to talk. Being with another person is one option, and being alone is another. Co-regulation describes that sense of settling alongside someone.
4. Do something that brings a memory near
If you want to, you could look at a photo, listen to a piece of music, read a letter or visit a place that matters to you. Go gently, and stop if it is too much. This is an invitation, and tears may or may not come. Do not set a goal of crying.
5. Put it into words
You might write a few lines or say something out loud: “I am sad about this.” You could write a letter that you do not send. You can write about what you miss, or what you wish had been different. If words do not come, you can skip this one.
6. Look after yourself either way
Whether you cry or not, you can eat, drink water, rest and keep to your routine. You can tell a friend, “I am having a hard time.” Looking after yourself is a reasonable way to respond to a hard moment.
Numb is not the same as nothing
Feeling numb can be uncomfortable, and it does not mean that you do not care. You can treat it as one more thing that you notice. It may change on its own, and it may not.
When it might be more than a bad day
If you feel numb, flat or unable to feel things, or if you have lost interest in things you used to enjoy, and it is distressing or getting in the way of daily life, talk to a doctor or therapist now. You do not need to wait. Do not change or stop any medicine without medical advice. If you are grieving, gentle somatic support for grief may help.
Crying and culture
Families and communities can have rules about crying, spoken or not. You might have learned to hold back tears, or that tears are shameful. You can notice those rules without deciding that they are right or wrong. Your own response may differ from one setting to another.
If someone says “just cry”
Someone may try to help by saying “you should cry.” You can thank them and say, “It will come when it comes, or it may not.” You do not have to perform a feeling for anyone else.
If you feel unsafe
If you feel hopeless, or have thoughts of harming yourself, contact a crisis line or your local emergency number now, and stay with someone you trust.
Other ways feelings show up
Without tears, a feeling might show up as quiet, tiredness, a wish to be alone, or a wish to be busy. You do not need to treat any of these as a sign of what you feel. You can simply notice them, keep your care of yourself going and let your own response be whatever it is.
If you are with someone who cannot cry
If you are with a person who is grieving and not crying, there is no need to prompt them. You can sit with them, offer a cup of tea and say, “I am here.” Their way of responding is theirs.
A small plan for a hard day
On a day that matters, such as an anniversary, you could pick one gentle thing in advance: a walk, a call, a meal with a friend. Keep it simple, and let the day be what it is. If you find you cry, fine. If you do not, that is fine too.
Related: a daily somatic routine.
