Meeting someone’s eyes can feel natural, intense, tiring or impossible. How much eye contact feels right can depend on the person, the setting and the culture, and looking away does not mean you are not listening. These six practices are for making eye contact more comfortable if you want to. They are optional, and nobody is required to look at anyone.
1. Decide what you want
You might want less eye contact, more, or no change. You might want it only in some situations, such as interviews. It helps to know what you are aiming for. There is no correct amount, and you can change your mind.
2. Feel your feet
Press your feet into the floor and notice your seat. Grounding gives your attention somewhere steady, so that not all of it is on the other person’s face. Use it before a conversation or while you listen.
3. Look softly, or look near
If looking directly at the eyes is hard, you can look near them: the bridge of the nose, the forehead, the mouth or the person’s hands. You can let your gaze rest on them for a moment, then look away, then return. Looking away to think or to settle is a natural part of talking.
4. Share your attention with the room
Let your eyes move round the space while you talk: a window, a wall, a notebook. Orienting to the room can make the conversation feel less like a spotlight. Looking at something you are discussing, such as a document or a screen, can also give you somewhere to look. Keep your eyes open and on the path if you are walking.
5. Pause and take breaks
If a conversation feels like a lot, you can take a drink of water, look at your notes or step out for a minute. You might say, “Give me a second to think.” A short pause is a legitimate part of a conversation.
6. Say it if it helps
You can tell someone, “I listen by looking away a bit.” You do not owe anyone an explanation, and a short line can reduce the pressure for you. If you are in a work or school setting where eye contact is expected, you might ask whether another way of showing attention is acceptable.
Breath
You do not need to do anything with your breath. If you like, let one exhale out slowly, uncounted. Skip it if you are anxious, and stop if you feel dizzy. Ordinary breathing is the alternative.
Eye contact and culture
Different cultures and families have different rules about looking at people, such as who looks at whom, and how long. A sustained look may feel respectful in one setting and rude in another. You can notice which rules you grew up with, and which setting you are in.
Eye contact and other ways of paying attention
People pay attention in different ways. You might listen better when you look elsewhere, nod, make small sounds or take notes. If looking at someone’s eyes is painful, tiring or hard to do, you do not have to push through it. You can find another way to show you are engaged.
Practising
If you want to try more eye contact, you can practise with someone you trust, or with a photo, for a few seconds at a time, and then stop. Keep it short and low-pressure. Stop if it is too much. Nothing here is a test.
In particular settings
In an interview or a presentation, you can look at the person asking the question when they speak and at a notepad or the room when you think. On a video call, you can look at the screen, a point near the camera or a spot on the wall, and you can turn off your own picture if seeing yourself distracts you. With a friend, you can walk or sit side by side, which gives you a shared view. With children, getting down to their level and looking at what they are showing you can be enough.
Listening with your face
If you want to show you are listening without sustained eye contact, you can nod, say “mm” or “I see,” and repeat back what you heard. These show attention in a way that does not depend on a fixed gaze.
When to ask for help
If eye contact feels frightening or painful, or if avoiding it is limiting your life in ways you do not want, talk to a doctor or therapist. You can ask at any time. If you have had experiences where being looked at felt unsafe, a trauma-informed therapist can help, and you do not have to describe them to get started.
Related: a daily somatic routine.
