Someone opens their arms and you freeze, or you hug and it feels stiff, or you are not sure where your hands go. You may not have grown up with hugging. That is not a flaw, and you do not have to learn to hug. These five tools are for anyone who wants to feel less awkward, and they begin with a simple rule: a hug is only for when both people want it.
1. Check first
A quick question is a clear way to start: “Would you like a hug?” You can ask it, and you can be asked it. “Yes,” “not today” and “a handshake is fine” are all good answers. If you want to say no, you can say it kindly, and you do not need a reason.
2. Choose a simple shape
If you want to try, pick a plain hug: step in a little to one side, place one arm over their shoulder and the other lower round their back, and let it be brief. A short, light hug is a complete hug. If you are unsure which way to go, you can offer a side hug, with one arm round a shoulder.
3. Feel your feet
Before and during a hug, notice your feet on the floor. Grounding gives you a steady place to stand when the moment feels new. Keep your eyes open and your attention on the person in front of you.
4. Practise at your own pace
You can try out a hug with someone you trust, who knows you are practising. Tell them what you are doing: “I am trying to get comfortable with hugs. Can we try one, and I will say if I want to stop?” You can stop at any point, and so can they. Self-contact, such as hugging a cushion, is another low-pressure way to try a movement. It is optional.
5. Find your own way to show warmth
A hug is one way of showing care, and there are many others: a message, a meal, a visit, listening, a hand raised in greeting. You might say, “I am not much of a hugger, and I am really glad you are here.” You can be warm in a way that suits you.
If someone hugs you without asking
If someone goes to hug you and you do not want it, you can step back, put out a hand or say, “I will pass on the hug today.” You can say it with a smile. How you respond to a hug is up to you, whoever is asking. If someone keeps ignoring your no, that matters, and you can tell someone you trust.
Family and culture
Families and cultures have their own habits around touch. You might come from one that shows love through food or actions more than hugs, and that is a valid way of being close. You do not have to criticise how you were raised to want something different, and you do not have to want it.
With children
If you are a parent or carer and hugging is new for you, you can offer other kinds of closeness: sitting together, reading, a hand on a shoulder if the child welcomes it. Ask the child what they like. Let them say no. Children are allowed to choose, as adults are.
When it is more than awkward
If touch feels distressing or frightening, or if you have had unwanted touch or abuse, a doctor or therapist can help, and a specialist support service can help if abuse is part of your story. Do not use joint counselling or mediation to address abuse. If you are in immediate danger, use your local emergency number. You can ask for help at any point.
Reading the other person
You can watch for cues. Open arms and a smile suggest an offer, and you can answer it with a yes, a handshake or a gentle “not today.” A hand held out for a handshake suggests that is what they want. If you cannot tell, ask.
Greeting in different settings
At work, a handshake, a nod or a wave can be right. With old friends, you might try a side hug, or agree on your own habit, such as a fist bump. With family, you can set a pattern that suits you, such as a hand on the arm. You are free to be consistent or to change by day. A walk together is another way of being close without touching.
If it is just awkward
If it is simply awkward, that is fine, and it can stay awkward. Awkward hugs are still hugs. You can laugh about it, or you can decide not to hug at all. Whatever you choose, you are doing nothing wrong.
Related: a daily somatic routine.
