A pause in the conversation that goes on a beat too long. A quiet house after everyone has left. A silent car ride. For some people silence is easy, and for others it brings an urge to fill the space, check the phone or leave. These six tools are for the second group. They are optional, they do not promise that silence will feel pleasant, and you can stop any of them if they make things worse.
1. Notice the urge to fill it
When a silence opens, see whether you feel a pull to talk, apologise or reach for your phone. You do not have to resist it. You can simply notice it, “there is the urge,” and decide what to do next. Some silences do want an answer, and some do not.
2. Feel your feet and your seat
In a quiet moment with other people, keep a small part of your attention on your feet or your seat. Grounding gives your attention a steady place to rest while the room is quiet. Nobody can tell that you are doing it, and you can drop it whenever you like.
3. Let one easy breath out
You might let one slow breath out, with no count and no effort. A long exhale is optional. Skip it if breath focus makes you more tense, and stop if you feel dizzy. Ordinary breathing is a fine alternative.
4. Look around the room
Let your eyes rest on something neutral: a plant, a window, the pattern on a mug. This is orienting, a way of looking without staring at anyone. In a conversation, looking away for a moment is a normal thing to do, and thinking pauses can look like that.
5. Try a short quiet on your own
If silence at home feels hard, you could try two minutes of quiet with something to do: a cup of tea, a window, a hand-held task like folding laundry. Add a minute if it goes well, or stop if it does not. You can have a podcast or music on as well. You do not have to prove anything.
6. Say what is happening, if you want
In a conversation, you can name the pause lightly: “I am just thinking,” or “Give me a moment.” With a friend, you might say, “I find silences hard, so I tend to fill them.” Saying what is going on may ease things. It is optional, and you only need to say as much as you want to.
Different silences
Not every silence is the same. A pause after a hard question may be someone thinking. A quiet after a disagreement may be a break. Silence with a close friend can be easy, and silence with a stranger can be awkward. You can ask yourself what sort of silence it is, and whether you need to do anything. Often the answer is “no.”
At work
Meetings and interviews have their own silences. You can allow a few seconds after a question before you answer, and you can say, “Let me think about that.” If you are leading a meeting, you might wait a little longer after you ask for questions, since people may need time. If you are in an interview, a pause to think is acceptable.
At home and alone
A quiet home can bring up feelings: loneliness, restlessness, sometimes relief. If you are alone more than you would like, you could arrange a regular call, a class or a walk with a neighbour. If you live with others, you might ask for a short quiet time that is not a punishment, such as “I would like twenty minutes of quiet after work.”
When silence is not safe
Silence can also be used to control or punish. If someone goes quiet to make you feel bad, or you feel afraid of what comes after a silence, that is different from ordinary awkwardness. If you feel unsafe, contact someone you trust or a domestic abuse service if it is safe to do so. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.
If quiet brings up difficult memories
For some people, quiet brings up memories or worries that are hard to sit with. If that happens, you can open your eyes, look around the room, put on music or call someone. You do not have to stay in a quiet that feels bad. A therapist can help if this keeps happening.
Small ways to practise
Try one conversation a day where you let a pause last one extra breath. Try a short walk without headphones. Try a few minutes at the end of the day with the lights low. Notice whether anything changes, and let go of the idea that it should.
Related: a daily somatic routine.
